Dear Jadeveon…if you attend Clemson Tiger University…
Earlier this week I read a blog post called “Dear Jadeveon…if you attend the University of South Carolina” (h/t chuckoliver.net). It’s fair, and honest, and lays out some good reasons for Jadeveon Clowney to don the garnet & black next season.
But to the dismay of Gamecock fans everywhere, CTU has come on strong in recent days and by all accounts is in a neck and neck battle with USC for the services of the consensus top player in the country. And let’s be honest, there are a lot of great reasons for him to consider CTU, some football related and some not.
So to keep things fair, I ask the Gamecock Nation to take the blinders off for a moment and consider some of the reasons Jadeveon Clowney might just choose CTU:
- Practically unlimited, and irrisistible, orange and purple uniform combinations
- If you like to have your rear end smacked, Dabo is your man
- The thrill of playing in front of literally hundreds of fans at
Cameron IndoorWallace Wade Stadium
- ACC football tradition…what? Oh, sorry, ACC basketball tradition
- Two syllables: tractors
- Dabo has promised to punch himself in the face until unconscious strictly for your entertainment
- Speaking of Dabo, who else has a coach who also stars on “30 Rock”?
- That little street through the middle of town with the store that sells stuff
- The possibility of seeing a drunken Brent Musburger hitting on young co-eds at the Esso Club
- Gameday meals provided by Ernie & Jewell’s Pig Innards and Snout Grindings
- When Cletus brings his wife and sister to an autograph session, you only have to sign two autographs
- If you’re really drunk, the lack of dental services and that big clock in the middle of campus make it easy to pretend you’re in London
- Now that Brad Scott has retired he’s looking to shade some folks, if you’re interested
- Kevin Steele gets so jacked up on the sidelines that he passes out, which is AWESOME
- Cow patties make great doorstops
- Hop in a car and drive south and you can find really hot college chicks within a couple of hours
- CTU facemasks are dipped in diesel fuel to block the smell of the pastures
- That’s Danny Ford lurking in the bushes naked, no kidding
- Make all-ACC more than twice and have your jersey retired and a tool shed named after you
- You can celebrate the 1981 National Championship, and the subsequent 1982, 1983, 1984 and 1985 probations (aka “The Salad Days”)
- Every year you’ll only be 8-10 plays and 48-65 points from an ACC championship and/or BCS National Championship birth
- Even after South Carolina beats you four straight, you can still say, “YEAH, BUT LOOK AT THE ALL-TIME RECORD BAYBEE, WOOHOO!”
- Speaking of WOOHOO…Awesomest. Fight song. Ever.
- You never have to hear of the God-awful city of Omaha ever again, for it has been stricken from the record at CTU
- You get to play at the most storied college football program in the history of Pickens County
Godspeed Jadeveon, I’m glad you’re making the decision and not me.